


The Gang Breaks the Fire Emblem

by LazulinaLapi



Category: Fire Emblem: Shin Monshou no Nazo | Fire Emblem: New Mystery of the Emblem, It's Always Sunny in Philadelphia
Genre: Catria gets the implication, Crossover, Dee you bitch, I swear it gets good, I'm too lazy to add more characters in the tags, Poor Marth, So many characters it hurts
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2019-07-01
Updated: 2019-07-27
Packaged: 2020-05-31 16:10:47
Rating: Mature
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 5
Words: 3,618
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/19429486
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/LazulinaLapi/pseuds/LazulinaLapi
Summary: As if by magic, the gang gets sucked into the world of Fire Emblem due to a cartridge that Charlie found at an obscure store. What follows next is the pain and suffering the Altean Knights endure from the gang on their quest to defeat Medeus.





	1. The Cartridge

Charlie walks into Paddy's with Mac, holding a 3DS and playing a game as Mac talked with him. "Charlie, that game is unholy. The sword is from a false god, not God." 

"Whatever man, you're just pissed cause you can't make it past Chapter 9. Besides, the game is fun as hell, I can help you out with Chapter 9." Charlie sat down on a bar stool, still playing the game. 

"Charlie, what the fuck are you playing? Why is Mac being such a bitch?" Dennis walked over to look at what Charlie was playing. 

Dee pushes Dennis and grabs the 3DS from Charlie. "This is a new system, how the hell did you afford it? What is this game too?" 

"For your information I got the stuff from a dealer. They were selling it on the cheap. I mean, the shop was sketchy as fuck, but hey it was only a few bucks and the game was in it already so it was worth it, alright Dee?" Charlie yanked it back from Dee and noticed what had happened. "Dee you bitch! I died and have to start over the chapter, I was fighting the Mini-Boss and winning!" 

"Wait, Charlie, how much was it? Also, where's that shop? If they're giving shit away for a few bucks I gotta be a part of it." Frank was interested in going to the shop to buy as much as he could from it to resell the merchandise for a lot of money. 

"I'm not interested with you guys and your bullshit right now, ok? I'm just trying to play Fire Emblem in peace in on a mission to kill a dragon!" Charlie was already done with the gang's shit. 

"That game is wrong, the "Holy Sword" wasn't given by God, but by some dragon bitch named Naga or whatever." Mac kept on insisting that the game was up to no good. 

Charlie puts down the system in frustration. "What the hell do you guys need to know now? Huh?" 

The system seemed to glow and as the gang looked over to check it out all of a sudden, they felt sucked in and disappeared into the game.


	2. The Gang gets Conscripted

The gang woke up on the ground, their heads aching like crazy. As they all woke up they noticed that they weren't in their clothes anymore and wearing something else completely. 

"What am I wearing? Are these short shorts? Why's my outfit tight on my arm, are these straps?" Dee took noticed of her new outfit. It was far different than what she was wearing before. "Holy crap what am I even?" 

"Shut up Dee, and stop complaining! It's not all about you, ok? At least I happen to look decent enough for the ladies to admire, so that's a win, I guess." Dennis was in some light armor, not heavy, but enough to keep him safe. "At least I'm wearing pants, but hey, Dee you finally have a look that says, "I'm a bird!" 

"Hey fuck you Dennis! At least I look attractive in this outfit! Isn't that right guys?" She looked over to just see the rest of the gang checking themselves out. "Dicks." 

"I'm naked! The only thing I'm wearing is pants and a loincloth! But, the good news is that my muscles are showing. So that's a bonus, right?" Mac took a good look of himself, half admiring his new outfit. It seemed to suit him. "Hey Frank, why do you look like you're in a cult? That outfit has a hood and cape sweater or something..." 

"Huh? Oh shit, you're right Mac! Although I'm kinda wearing pants, my clothes are kinda breezy though..." Frank got up and while it seemed that he was wearing pants, he wasn't and had on instead a short tunic like outfit covered by his cloak. 

"Oh my god! Frank, pull your shirt thing down! We can see almost everything, or at least get pants! Dee, give Frank your shorts!" 

"What?! I'm not giving him my pants! I need them more than he does! Can't he just cover up with his cloak?" 

"Holy crap! I'm dressed just like my character! I'm a mercenary, Dennis is a cavalier, Dee's a shitty archer, Mac is a berserker good job on that promoted status dude, and Frank is a mage! We got sucked into my game!" Charlie was visibly excited at the idea of being in his game. Of course, his outfit was chosen by him. 

"Hey Charlie, why are you wearing a priest hat and a monocle?" 

"Huh? Oh, you can chose accesories to wear before starting the game, pretty cool huh?" 

"Then why can't we choose our outfits?" 

"I don't know, maybe you guys are recruits or something..." 

As the gang was talking, they could here rustling in the forest near them, and voices approaching. 

"Charlie! There you are! We were worried when you disappeared! Charlie, get behind me! Who are these people?" Marth drew out his blade aiming it at Dennis, Dee, Mac, and Frank as Charlie walked over to Marth. 

"Charlie, what the hell? Are you seriously gonna let us die?" Dennis looked pissed off at Charlie, who had left them to stand with Marth. 

Marth looked over at Charlie, concerned. "Do you know these people Charlie?" 

"Yeah, I know them, their my friends from Paddy's! That's Dennis, Dee, Mac, and Frank!" He motioned to the four people that Marth was pointing his sword to. "They're harmless, trust me." 

Cain walked forward on his horse near Charlie and whispered to him, "Are you sure? The one that looks like a bird seems like a loose cannon..."

Dee heard him and yelled at Cain. "Hey screw you! You don't even know me you son of a bitch, and fyi, you're missing out pal, you seemed bangable until you talked!" 

Cain looked over at Marth, "Yeah, we need to keep an eye on her." 

With all that said, the gang was led to camp with Marth and Cain. We can only pray for the army who await torment.


	3. The Gang Meets Everyone

The gang gets escorted to camp by Marth and Cain. The camp itself is set up peacefully with the tents raised and set from sleeping tents to tents that function as discussion rooms. Dinner was being cooked for the night. Marth was able to get everyone's attention. 

"Everyone, I'd like to say that Charlie's back safe and sound!" 

Everyone in camp was cheering for Charlie when they saw he was alive and well. 

"Also, we have some new members joining our army. Dennis, Dee, Mac, and Frank try and make them feel welcome." 

Everyone seemed to mumble with each other then turned to look at them. Gordin and Draug were the first ones to go over and talk. 

Gordin spoke first, "So, Dee, you're an archer, right? Do you want to practice with me, also you seem like you need a bow and arrows, did you lose yours?" 

"Listen kid, I don't know what you're talking about, but if you want to hang out, then sure, I'll go with you." 

"I'm an adult, lady. I'm not some kid, ok? Let's just get going." Gordin was feeling frustrated with Dee already. 

Mac walked right up to Draug to chat. "So uh, you look like you lift, wanna work out together? Do you know how to fight too?" 

"Yeah, I lift, my armor weighs more than 20 pounds so I know how to lift. Also, yeah, I know how to fight, sword, lance, axe, you name it. Do you have a weapon? It seems like you don't." There was something about Mac that interested Draug a bit. 

"Holy crap dude, that stuff weighs that much? But uh, no, I don't have a weapon, can I uh borrow one or something?" 

"Yeah, we can get you one to keep, we have a lot, so it's not a problem to be honest. Come on." 

Draug and Mac walked over to the armory together and met up with Gordin and Dee. 

"That poor bastard doesn't know what's coming. Mac is all over him already. Time to check out my selection." Dennis walked off to check out the girls in the camp. 

Linde and Merric were arguing silently.

"Linde, you go. Talk to the guy." 

"No you, Merric, the guy looks like a pervert, he's not wearing pants." 

The two kept on shoving the other in the direction of Frank. Eventually the both ended up in front of him. 

"Um, hello there...Frank. My name is Linde." Linde talked to him first, slightly hesitating. "So, how are your skills?" 

"Huh? My skills? Well, I've been told I'm good at sex, is that what you mean? You got any spankmaids or is that you Linde?" Frank asked Linde many questions about the place. He never answered her question about his skills in magic.

"Ugh! This is pointless, I'm leaving! You take care of him Merric, I'm at my limit now!" Linde stormed off in frustration. 

"Well, I might as well introduce myself. I'm Merric, it's nice to meet you. I've never seen Linde so pissed off before, it's pretty funny to be honest with you." Merric laughed at the way Frank caused Linde to walk off with frustration. "Anyway, let's get you a tome. How does a fire one sound?" 

"That's perfect, I can set things on fire." Frank had many thoughts about what to do with the tome he was going to receive. 

Dennis walked around camp, checking out the women there. Eventually he spotted Palla, Catria, and Est. "Perfect, let's check that out." He walked towards them with intent. "Hello ladies, how are you?" 

Palla turned to look at Dennis. "Hmm? Oh, you're Dennis, right? Well, I'm Palla, these are my sisters, Catria and Est. Do you have any siblings?" 

"Siblings, perfect, I can see it now..." Dennis already had thoughts of how to get things going. "But yes, I have a twin sister, Dee. Wherever she is in camp." 

"Umm...well I hope you make yourself comfy Dennis." Palla and Est left Catria alone with Dennis. 

"So, what are you doing later?" Dennis was already making a move on Catria. 

"Not much, just going to fly on my pegasus. You should look into getting a horse, it'll help, trust me." 

"Why don't I enjoy having a pegasus with you? Afterall, we can keep each other's company." 

"Oh, well, males can't ride pegasi, only females can." Catria was confused by Dennis's thoughts of riding a pegasus. "But you can ride with me sometime on it. But you should go ask Cain and Abel about a horse." 

"I think I will, thank you miss, I'll take you up on your offer to ride you." Dennis went off to go and speak with Cain and Abel. 

"Charlie, I'm glad we can talk again. How are you doing? I was worried sick." Marth put his hand on Charlie's shoulder. 

"I'm doing good man. Just glad to have the gang from Paddy's with me. I just hope they don't mess anything up..." 

"Well, if they're your friends then nothing bad can happen, right?" Marth smiled as he looked around camp, pleased that everyone seems to be getting along.


	4. Sweet Dee gets Shot

"See? Like this? Do you get it Dee?" Gordin showed Dee how to shoot an arrow. Many, many, times in a row. 

"Uh, yeah, totally." Dee loaded her bow with an arrow, she pulled back the arrow and made an attempt to shoot the target. The first few times she missed completely and almost shot Jagen point-blank. This time was different, she actually hit the target for once. "Finally, I did it! Did you see that Gordin? Suck it!" 

"Ha, Gordin, you finally got told off. Anyway, nice to meet you Dee! My name's Norne! I'm an archer too! But I'm better at it than you, even Gordin's little brother Ryan can shoot an arrow better than you. But, that won't get us anywhere in helping you." Norne didn't mean to tell Dee that, but it still needed to be said. 

"Hey bitch, screw off! I'll shoot you right in the face, so why don't you go and get your stupid pink hair fixed, you look like a slut." There was no way in hell that Dee was going to take crap like that from anyone. "What's her fucking problem? Telling me that I suck at this, she's probably intimidated by me. Besides, she could go suck someone off for all I care." 

"I mean, you're not wrong Dee. Norne hooked up with someone in camp, so she's blowing him probably..." Gordin probably said too much at this point as it caught Dee's attention right away. 

"Hold on, you're telling me that someone is actually tapping that? God, how desperate is someone to hook up with someone like her? Tell me who the sorry bastard is, I can make her pay if the guy is decent looking." Dee already knew what to do to make Norne pay for insulting her. Figure out who is with her and banging him as revenge. 

"Uh yeah...sure...Norne is seeing Draug. Why is that so important to you?" Gordin was extremely thrown off due to how Dee was hellbent to get this information. 

"Hold up. Draug? I thought he was gay or something, Mac is all over him as we speak likely." 

"No, he's not gay. Mac is obviously gay of course, but Draug is definitely not gay. But I feel bad if he can't tell that Mac might hit on him." Gordin was actually worried by what Dee was implying about Draug. 

"Well, whatever, is shit goes down then we'll all know where it'll be coming from." 

"Shouldn't we continue training? You still need to practice so you won't get shot and killed." 

"Whatever, check this out. I'm not looking, watch me make it Gordin." Dee lined up her shot to the target and closed her eyes. She fired the arrow and it bounced off the tree and got shot in the arm. "Oh my god, oh my god! It hurts so good damn much, Gordin get it out of me!" As soon as Dee finished yelling at Gordin did she feel another arrow hit her back. "What the hell?! Who shot me?!" 

Gordin turned around and saw that Norne had shot Dee in the back. "Don't call me a slut ever again bitch." 

"Uh, Dee I'll get these out of you, just hold still, ok?" Gordin managed to yank the arrows from her arm and back. "Alright, let's get you to a healer..." 

"What the hell is happening over here? I heard screaming. What did you do Dee?" Of course Dennis was the first person to see Dee bleeding from her arm and back. He helped Gordin carry Dee. "Here, let me help you, she weighs a ton." 

"I do not you douchebag! I just wanna get better and kick Norne's ass..." 

Dennis and Gordin managed to take her to the medic tent. "Oh goodness, what happened? Come on, lay her down so I can mend her arm." Lena had just finished talking with Maria and so the two of them managed to work on Dee and patch her up. "How did this happen?" 

"Oh I'll tell you what happened that bitch Norne shot me." 

Maria had turned red as Dee was spewing out curse words left and right. "Such language..." 

"Yeah, well, tough titties kid, deal with it." 

Gordin finally chimed in and explained from the beginning. "She closed her eyes when shooting her arrow and missed, with the arrow bouncing back and striking her in the arm."

"Whatever, then Norne shot me cause I called her a slut..." Dee was still pissed off about it then turned to Maria. "What the hell is a kid doing here? Is she like...someone's kid or whatever?" 

"My name is Maria, Princess of Macedon. I joined after they saved me from being imprisoned by the enemy as the order from my older brother Michalis. Besides, I convinced my sister Minerva to help out this cause too..." 

"Ok then. Man, if I had that power Dee would be in jail rotting by now." Dennis contemplated about what Maria was talking about. "Anyway, Dee, I hope you learned anything from this experience." 

"I didn't learn crap Dennis, only that people in this camp can be assholes. Also, get the hell out of here! Hey you two, just an fyi, I'm not paying for this service, so suck it." 

Lena responded to Dee's statement. "This is free healthcare Dee, don't worry about paying us, ok?" 

"Wait a minute, free healthcare? Well, this took a turn for the better. Ain't that true Dennis?" 

"Yeah, actually. Anyway goodbye you bird. Also, Lena, I hope to talk to you soon." Dennis walked out of the tent, checking out Lena as he walked out.


	5. Frank Starts a Fire

"Alright, so I just do this?" Frank had finally figured out how to use the tome Merric gave him and was able to set something on fire. 

"Yes, just like that, you're learning quickly Frank, I'm impressed by you. This magic is extremely useful in battle. It may also be useful for general use." Merric explains the various uses for the tome. 

"Well, I sure know what I'm gonna do. Although it's definitely for more personal reasons. It's a shame you guys don't have guns though. You guys'll have a way better advantage if you had them. I'm surprised that when I got here that I didn't have it on me." Frank had immediate thoughts on how to use the tome. 

"What's a gun? I'd like to know what those are, please tell me about them Frank." Merric was interested in the idea of a gun, whatever it was. 

"Oh boy, those things are good for everything. You can shot people, up close or far away. Real effective if you wanna kill someone, works with animals too. Where I'm from I always had one with me, never leave home without them. You never know what's out there Merric." 

"The more you talk about them, the more that I want one. Where can I get one of these 'guns?'" Merric was heavily interested now, wanting a gun for himself. 

Merric went over to Linde to tell her about guns after Frank had explained what a gun was. "Linde, do you know what a gun is? Frank was telling me all about them. Remarkable, really, if we had one it could assist us in the battles ahead." 

"Merric, what the hell is a gun? Are you really going to listen to whatever Frank has to say?" 

"Oh come on Linde, he's a foreigner, and besides, it's always good to have information about others." 

"Yeah, but, is Frank good enough for 'diplomacy'?" 

"Well, you may have a point...wait, is something burning? I can smell something burning." 

"Merric, what kind of tome did you give Frank again?" 

"A fire tome..." 

"Oh Naga, if he started a fire, we're in so much trouble, it could reveal where camp is." 

Linde and Merric ran over to find Frank, who was setting random things on fire. 

"Frank what the hell are you doing?! We need to stop the fire now or else people will know where we are!" 

"Well, I thought I saw a bug or something, so I tried to kill it, but then the fire spread so I stopped. So what do we do now? There a tome to put out fires?" 

"Move out of the way!" Caeda came running with a pot of water, putting out the fire. "What happened, did training go wrong?" 

"Nope, Frank tried to kill a bug using fire, then it spread." Linde looked obviously annoyed about Frank's actions. 

Caeda sighed a little, "Well at least the fire stopped and that's what matters, doesn't it?" 

"Caeda, by chance, is that the water that was going to be used for stew tonight?" Merric was asking due to the fact that everyone has been looking forward to beef stew as they haven't had any recently. 

"Well, unfortunately yes. But we can get some water later I suppose." Caeda looked a bit dismayed at the remaining water. 

"Damn it Frank, see what you did? Now we can't have any beef stew tonight!" Merric and Linde were greatly upset about this. 

"You know what? I can make this better." Frank knew what to do with the situation. 

"And what could that be?" 

"You ever heard of a Rum Ham? It's essentially ham soaked with rum." 

"That...actually sounds really good, can you make it?" 

"Well, you guys got any rum and ham?" 

"Yes, I'm certain we do actually." 

"Great, leave it to me than, and you'll have the best goddamn ham ever." Frank was ready to have the Rum Ham put into action. 

Later in the night everyone gathered around the dinner table, awaiting beef stew. 

"So, everybody, sadly due to umm...an incident we will not be having beef stew." Caeda had to give the bad news to everyone. 

Everyone groaned in dismay, upset about this revelation that they will not be having any beef stew. 

"However, Frank has generously made dinner for us." 

"That's right fellas, get yourself ready for some Rum Ham!" Frank pulled up with a tray of ham soaked in rum. 

"Oh hell yeah! We got some Rum Ham in the house! Alright Frank!" Charlie got excited about the meal. 

Everyone took notice of how excited Charlie was at the news of Rum Ham. Eventually everyone came to love the Rum Ham and couldn't get enough of it. It became one of the best meals they had in a long time.


End file.
